


A Killer Squirrel

by Sam KW (samudee)



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-11
Updated: 2011-10-11
Packaged: 2017-10-24 12:13:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/263358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samudee/pseuds/Sam%20KW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A squirrel gone mad. Really?</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Killer Squirrel

 

"I was attacked by a squirrel." Starsky said, slouching on the couch at Hutch's apartment, on a Saturday evening.

"Come on, Starsk. Do you mean to say that a two pound, little furry scurry little thing, ‘attacked’ a hundred and sixty pound man?"

"Well... Yes!" Starsky said, holding the left side of his head.

"So how did this happen?" asked Hutch.

"He threw a walnut at me."

"Threw a _walnut?_ Are you sure it was a squirrel?"

"Of course! I know what a squirrel looks like," Starsky said angrily.

"Oh, I don’t know about that, Starsk, because squirrels don’t throw stuff at people. That’s what monkeys do. You sure it wasn’t a monkey?" Hutch wasn't convinced that a harmless little squirrel could have attacked Starsky.

"There aren’t any monkeys in California. Even I know that."

"If something threw a nut at you it might very well be a monkey-- Maybe one escaped from the zoo." If Starsky said that he saw a squirrel it could be anything from a raccoon, monkey, beaver, or even an otter.

"Hutch, it was not a monkey, okay!"

"Alright, already! So when and where did this happen?" Hutch pulled Starsky over to examine his head.

"A few hours ago, at the park." Starsky said, wincing when Hutch touched the sore spot where the walnut had hit him.

Hutch raised his eye brows. _Did the man say ‘park’? When did he become Mr. Nature man?_ Hutch stared at Starsky, questioningly.

"Oh, don’t give me that look, Hutch."

"Well… you're not quite the outdoor guy."

"That shows how well you know me. And you call yourself my _partner_!"

"Alright-- so you were in the park," Hutch said, still thinking of what Starsky could have been doing there. "Did the city organize a Miss California pageant or something at the park, Starsk?"

Starsky scoffed. "That was no Miss California, I'm tellin ya, it was one mean, big, ugly squirrel."

Starsky wouldn't have minded or complained if his skull had cracked and his brains were spilling out, but a little bump caused by a little squirrel was like the world coming to an end, and Hutch had to do something about it.

Shaking his head, Hutch walked over to the refrigerator, took some ice cubes out of it, and made a handy little ice-pack to soothe his partner's injury. "Here, this will help."

Starsky beamed, happy and content with the attention.

*****

 

"So where's this walnut tree?" asked Hutch, walking in the park where Starsky had been attacked the previous day.

"Follow me." Starsky gestured towards the line of trees in the distance. After walking towards the South side of the park, he pointed towards tons of nuts that were on the ground. "Walnuts," he said gleefully.

"Starsk," Hutch said, holding back his laughter. "Acorns."

"Now that's lame, Hutch," Starsky said, squinting. "I know what corn is, and it doesn't grow in big huge trees. Corn grows in fields, on kind of small… small plants, bushes… or whatever. _Not_ in tall trees!"

"Oh, Starsk." Hutch said, holding his belly while laughing. "I said _A-_ corns, not corn."

"Huh?"

"A-corns. These are acorns."

"Acorns? So this is an acorn tree?" Starsky looked up carefully, standing away from the huge tree to avoid being attacked by mad creatures.

"Oh, God. No. These trees aren't called acorns--" Hutch started to explain.

"But you said these are acorns." Starsky was very confused.

"Yes-- _YES!_ Acorns are the nuts of oak trees, Starsk."

"Oak? You mean oak tree nuts are called acorns? So why don’t they call the nuts oak nuts? Why are they called acorns? Doesn't even look like corn… Makes no sense." Starsky shook his head in confusion. "Next you'll tell me that a squirrel throwing walnuts or acorns or whatever nuts he could get his hands on is called a monkey."

"That's quite an idea, Starsk. I'm impressed."

Hutch walked around the tree, glancing upwards. He half expected to see a troop of monkeys, but saw nothing.

Then in a flash, down came an acorn, hitting Hutch right above his left eye.

"Ouch," Hutch cried, shielding his face with his palms, and quickly stepping away from the oak tree.

"Hutch?" Starsky was at his side instantly. "What happened?"

"Something hit me."

"I told ya," Starsky said grimly. "But you didn’t believe me! -- I told you there's an attacking squirrel in the park."

"Starsk, I didn't see whether it was a squirrel or not. I only felt something hitting me." Hutch removed his hand, feeling wetness on his palm.

Starsky gasped. "You're bleeding. Did the damn thing bite you?"

"No, no. Something just got me-- hit me-- I'm sure it was an acorn."

Starsky examined the cut. "Yeah-- It got your brow bone. Come on, Hutch. We've got to get it cleaned up."

***

"Hey, Hutch. What happened to you?" Babcock asked as soon as Starsky and Hutch entered the squad room next morning. 

Hutch had a bandage over his swollen left eye.

"Just a small scratch," Hutch said shrugging his shoulders.

Starsky grinned. "A squirrel hit him," he said, chuckling.

"You mean a one pound little furry scurry thing ‘attacked’ a hundred and seventy pound man?" Babcock asked, laughing. "Where did this happen?"

"At the park," Starsky replied.

Hutch glared at Starsky, wishing all the nuts in the whole world would come tumbling down on his partner's head. It was his fault, after all. Hutch wouldn't have gone to the park looking for mad creatures that attacked human beings in broad daylight if Starsky hadn't made a big fuss of that little bump on his head.

"Oh, do you mean Freedom Park?" asked Babcock.

"Yes. Do you know anything about it?"

Babcock handed the newspaper to Starsky.

**_-Judy, the famous performing squirrel monkey from the Travelling Blue Circus, escaped last week. She was found at Freedom Park yesterday-_ **

"So was it a squirrel or a monkey?" Starsky asked, looking up from the newspaper.

"A _squirrel monkey_ is a monkey, Starsky," Babcock said, walking out of the squad room.

"I knew it." Hutch grabbed the newspaper from Starsky. "Is this what you saw?" Hutch asked pointing at the photo.

"I don't know," said Starsky indifferently. "I wasn't paying attention-- all I saw were stars after that nut hit my head. But whatever it was, was gray for sure. And gray things in trees are squirrels!" Starsky was silent for a while. "At least that's how things were in California before the days of _travelling circuses_."

"It says here," Hutch said with a glint in his eyes, "that they're also missing a bobcat."

"I didn't know circuses were into construction." Starsky sat at his desk pulling a stack of files towards him.

Hutch scratched his head, sighing. He decided against describing the difference between the bobcat he meant, and the Bobcat Starsky knew about.

Starsky probably wouldn't understand why the name of a beautiful piece of machinery would be used to identify a wild animal.

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